THE GROCERY SHOPPING DARE

The single persons guide to weight and budget management

Having just walked out of a grocery store, $127.00 poorer than I was when I went in, I find myself inspired to jot down a few helpful suggestions to help you both save time and money. In fact, this 40-day guide (don’t worry, I type fast) will help you get 40 days past grocery shopping day without grocery shopping. Try it. I dare you.

Day 1: Today doesn’t really count because today is just the day when you look in the refrigerator and think to yourself “I need to go grocery shopping.” The reason this doesn’t count is because no one actually grocery shops on this day. You are probably just out of milk.

Days 2-5: Nothing really exciting goes on these days. You mix your cereal with yogurt. You eat toast. You eat frozen waffles. You don’t eat breakfast at all.

Day 6: This is a landmark day, because you really need to go ahead and throw out whatever fresh items you have left in the refrigerator. You are not going to eat the leftovers. The lettuce is a soggy green and brown mixture. The carrots will bend into rings. The bananas are black. Again, you are not going to eat those leftovers. Put them in the trash can.

Days 7-10: This is when you really start feeling like you have nothing to eat. But if you are honest with yourself, you will admit that really the cupboards contain not one, but two of a lot of different things. That is because these are the things you bought because they were buy one get one free. You never really wanted these items to begin with. You just bought them because someday you might need them. Well, today is someday.

Day 11: Today is the day when you clean out everything else in your refrigerator. The sour cream. The leftovers (I told you you wouldn’t eat them). The 10-lb bag of onions that still contains all ten pounds. The potatoes that look like they need to be planted back in the ground.

Days 12-22: Now is when we begin to concentrate on the freezer. You have ten frozen pot pies in there (they were 10 for $10), so that will keep you going for a long time. You totally do not need to go to the grocery store.

Day 23: Today is cheat day. You get to go to some kind of a store that sells food, just don’t let yourself stay in there more than 10 minutes or spend more than $10 and it doesn’t count.

Day 24: Today you start to thaw out the 10-lb brick of ground beef that has been in the freezer since you were born. Just think of all the things you can do with ground beef. It will take a while to thaw, though, so we will get back to this one.

Day 25: Today you get on the computer to try to find a recipe that takes taco shells, tomato paste, tea bags, and chicken broth.

Day 26: Your friend’s birthday. Say yes to the invitation. Eat everything you see.

Day 27: Back to the freezer. You find the 2lb bag of lima beans that has doubled as an ice pack whenever needed. You chew on a few, but really, lima beans work better for an ice pack. Then you find a bag of frozen fruit – strawberries, bananas, peaches, enough for a fruit smoothie. (You didn’t put them there so they were probably there from Rachel. Four roommates ago.) Gold!

Day 28-33: The ground beef should be thawed by now (and bleeding all over the refrigerator). The internet is again your resource for great recipes like hamburgers...Meatballs...Cooked meat...Cooked meat with flavoring on it...Cooked meat with different flavoring...

Day 34: Day of prayer and fasting.

Day 35-38: Now would be a good time to go out of town for a few days and eat whatever, wherever. No, this isn’t cheating. This is expert timing at its best. You don’t have a guilty conscience while eating out thinking, “why am I buying more food while I have a fridge full of rotting money at home?”

Day 39: Use salad oil and the loose popcorn kernels that are leftover from _____________________? (why on earth did you buy non-microwave popcorn?) in a pot to make popcorn. It will fill you up if you eat enough.

Day 40: The bad news - you actually do have to make it through Day 40 in order to have completed the dare. The worse news – it is time to through out what’s left of the hamburger meat. I guess all that leaves is the lima beans. Sorry.

Now you know why my mother worries about me.