Thursday, October 15, 2009


The single persons guide to weight and budget management

Having just walked out of a grocery store, $127.00 poorer than I was when I went in, I find myself inspired to jot down a few helpful suggestions to help you both save time and money. In fact, this 40-day guide (don’t worry, I type fast) will help you get 40 days past grocery shopping day without grocery shopping. Try it. I dare you.

Day 1: Today doesn’t really count because today is just the day when you look in the refrigerator and think to yourself “I need to go grocery shopping.” The reason this doesn’t count is because no one actually grocery shops on this day. You are probably just out of milk.

Days 2-5: Nothing really exciting goes on these days. You mix your cereal with yogurt. You eat toast. You eat frozen waffles. You don’t eat breakfast at all.

Day 6: This is a landmark day, because you really need to go ahead and throw out whatever fresh items you have left in the refrigerator. You are not going to eat the leftovers. The lettuce is a soggy green and brown mixture. The carrots will bend into rings. The bananas are black. Again, you are not going to eat those leftovers. Put them in the trash can.

Days 7-10: This is when you really start feeling like you have nothing to eat. But if you are honest with yourself, you will admit that really the cupboards contain not one, but two of a lot of different things. That is because these are the things you bought because they were buy one get one free. You never really wanted these items to begin with. You just bought them because someday you might need them. Well, today is someday.

Day 11: Today is the day when you clean out everything else in your refrigerator. The sour cream. The leftovers (I told you you wouldn’t eat them). The 10-lb bag of onions that still contains all ten pounds. The potatoes that look like they need to be planted back in the ground.

Days 12-22: Now is when we begin to concentrate on the freezer. You have ten frozen pot pies in there (they were 10 for $10), so that will keep you going for a long time. You totally do not need to go to the grocery store.

Day 23: Today is cheat day. You get to go to some kind of a store that sells food, just don’t let yourself stay in there more than 10 minutes or spend more than $10 and it doesn’t count.

Day 24: Today you start to thaw out the 10-lb brick of ground beef that has been in the freezer since you were born. Just think of all the things you can do with ground beef. It will take a while to thaw, though, so we will get back to this one.

Day 25: Today you get on the computer to try to find a recipe that takes taco shells, tomato paste, tea bags, and chicken broth.

Day 26: Your friend’s birthday. Say yes to the invitation. Eat everything you see.

Day 27: Back to the freezer. You find the 2lb bag of lima beans that has doubled as an ice pack whenever needed. You chew on a few, but really, lima beans work better for an ice pack. Then you find a bag of frozen fruit – strawberries, bananas, peaches, enough for a fruit smoothie. (You didn’t put them there so they were probably there from Rachel. Four roommates ago.) Gold!

Day 28-33: The ground beef should be thawed by now (and bleeding all over the refrigerator). The internet is again your resource for great recipes like hamburgers...Meatballs...Cooked meat...Cooked meat with flavoring on it...Cooked meat with different flavoring...

Day 34: Day of prayer and fasting.

Day 35-38: Now would be a good time to go out of town for a few days and eat whatever, wherever. No, this isn’t cheating. This is expert timing at its best. You don’t have a guilty conscience while eating out thinking, “why am I buying more food while I have a fridge full of rotting money at home?”

Day 39: Use salad oil and the loose popcorn kernels that are leftover from _____________________? (why on earth did you buy non-microwave popcorn?) in a pot to make popcorn. It will fill you up if you eat enough.

Day 40: The bad news - you actually do have to make it through Day 40 in order to have completed the dare. The worse news – it is time to through out what’s left of the hamburger meat. I guess all that leaves is the lima beans. Sorry.

Now you know why my mother worries about me.
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (for Christian Girls)

I’m pretty sure that being single for 27 years and listening to my friends talk about their marriages and dating experiences has made me an expert on relationships. So...I decided that now is as good a time as any to share my vast knowledge and experience with you. Within the next 10 days, you will be able to determine whether a dating relationship is God’s will for you (or simply improve on your marriage). All of these suggestions have been thoroughly tried; and even if you find that this relationship is not for you, you will both be a better Christians at the end.

DAY 1: JOY is a critical characteristic of every good relationship. Therefore, once you find the right guy you should live happily ever after. If you are in a relationship and you aren’t happy, it is the guy’s fault since he is the leader. He is not doing his job very well and should be appropriately punished. I recommend the silent treatment for this. If he is deaf, lots of crying can work too.

DAY 2: Men are, by nature, proud creatures. It is up to us to teach them some Christ-like HUMILITY. So, when your man finishes something, be sure to point out when how he could have done it better, quicker, or cheaper if he had just listened to you. He will probably understand better if you give him an example of someone you know who could have done it better, quicker, or cheaper. If you can’t think of someone at the moment, just point out that the whole project wasn’t really necessary (i.e. – “You know, I actually liked it better when the lawn was up to my waist; it was much easier to hide Easter eggs.”)

DAY 3: Help him learn GRATEFULNESS by making sure he notices every little thing you do for him (i.e. “Did you notice I put mustard and mayonnaise on your sandwich?”) and make sure he thanks you thoroughly and appropriately. If he does not, don’t even think about doing nice things for him again. There is no point.

DAY 4: Test his TRUTHFULNESS by asking questions such as, “Does this make me look fat?” He will probably come up with some cheap nonsense like “You look beautiful in anything.” That is flattery. He is spreading a net for your feet. Of course, if he says “No,” he is probably lying, which is sin. If he says “Yes,” that is...that is...that is just plain mean.

DAY 5: It is very important in any relationship that the man know how to say “I’M SORRY.” So any time you have a misunderstanding or a disagreement, make sure he is willing to say “I’m sorry” and ask for forgiveness first. In fact, he should do it a few times before you actually act like he is forgiven. NOTE: This is true even if you caused the problem to begin with; that is really beside the point. Remember, men are supposed to be the leaders.

DAY 6: Men tend to act childish at times. When they do, it is important to discourage this behavior by treating them as such. In most cases, “the Look” and a few choice words such as “I can’t believe I’m having this conversation with an adult” are necessary. Remember, the passages in Scripture dealing with submission do not apply when you, in your sole discretion, determine that your man is not acting like a leader.

DAY 7: PURITY is a crucial quality of a godly man, so be very sensitive if your man notices, compliments, or looks at another girl. If he admits to you that he has ever dealt with lust, get rid of him as quickly as you can. A man who actually admits that he struggles is just not worthy of you.

DAY 8: Never stop looking to see if there is someone else out there who might be better than the man in your life currently. To check to see if you’re as happy as you should be, read other people’s blogs, look at their facebook pictures, and reads lots of romance novels. (TV shows can work too). If being with your man doesn’t give you the same warm, fuzzy feelings that you get from books and movies, than it’s not the real thing.

DAY 9: Your man should give you his undivided attention. If he lets other things, such as sports, become so important that he would rather watch a game than simply stare into your eyes; you’ve got problems. Remind him what a waste of time sports are and how he should be spending his time reading his Bible, praying, and evangelizing the lost.

If this does not work (and it probably won’t), than feel free to resort to the following: Find out who his favorite teams are and google them ( to find out who their rivals are. Get some T-shirts, sweat shirts, and a license plate holder for the rival team. Come up with some connection with the rival (i.e. “My cousin thought about going to that school” or “They have a Christian Coach” in a real pinch, “The quarterback is cute” will work unless it’s baseball; then use “I just like their colors.”). Be sure to watch every game with your man and root for the opposing team. In fact, every time you see him say something provocative like “Gators! Losers!”

DAY 10: If he hasn’t proposed by now, he is obviously lacking WISDOM and is not in fellowship with the Holy Spirit. Dump him. If he does propose, I suggest you say “yes.” Rather quickly.